Don't rock the boat.
In my second film series, titled Turn Your Heart Toward Home, I offered this advice to parents of teenagers: "Get 'em through it." That may not sound like such a stunning idea, but I believe it has merit for most families — especially those with one or more tough-minded kids. The concept is a bit obscure, so I will resort to a couple of word pictures to illustrate my point.
When parents of strong-willed children look ahead to the adolescent years, they often imagine it to be like a flowing river with rapids that will soon give way to swirling currents and life-threatening turbulence. If that doesn't turn over their teenagers' boats, they seem destined to drown farther downstream when they plunge over the falls.
Fortunately, the typical journey is much safer than anticipated. Most often, the river descends not into the falls but into smooth water once more. Even though your teenager maybe splashing and thrashing and gasping for air, it is not likely that his boat will capsize. It is more buoyant than you might think.
Yes, a few individuals do go over the falls, usually because of drug abuse. Some of them even climb back in the canoe and paddle on down the river. But the greatest danger of sinking the boat could come from you!
This warning is addressed particularly to idealistic and perfectionistic parents who are determined to make their adolescents — all of them — perform and achieve and measure up to the highest standards. A perfectionist, by the way, is a person who takes great pains with what he does and then gives them to everyone else. In so doing, he rocks a boat that is already taking on water.
Perhaps another child could handle the additional turbulence, but our concern is for the unsteady kid — the one who lacks common sense for a while and may even lean toward irrational behavior. Don't unsettle his boat any more than you must!
I have seen parents fight battles over such nonessentials as the purchase of a first bra for a flat-chested premenstrual-adolescent girl. For goodness' sake! If she wants it that badly, she probably needs it for social reasons. Run, don't walk, to the nearest department store and buy her a bra.
The objective, as Charles and Andy Stanley wrote, is to keep your kids on your team. Don't throw away your friendship over behavior that has no great moral significance. There will be plenty of real issues that require you to stand like a rock. Save your big guns for those crucial confrontations.
Let me make it very clear, again, that this advice is not relevant to every teenager. The compliant kid who is doing wonderfully in school, has great friends, is disciplined in his conduct and loves his parents is not nearly so delicate. Perhaps his parents can urge him to reach even higher standards in his achievements and lifestyle.
My concern, however, is for that youngster who could go over the falls. He is intensely angry at home and is being influenced by a carload of crummy friends. Be very careful with him. Pick and choose what is worth fighting for, and settle for something less than perfection on issues that don't really matter. Just get him through it!
What does this mean in practical terms? It may indicate a willingness to let his room look like a junkyard for a while. Does that surprise you? I don't like lazy, sloppy, undisciplined kids any more than you do, but given the possibilities for chaos that this angry boy or girl might precipitate, spit-shined rooms may not be all that important.
You might also compromise somewhat regarding the music you let him hear. I'm not condoning music that is saturated with explicit and illicit sex or violence. But neither can you ask this teenager to listen to your "elevator music." Perhaps a compromise can be reached.
Unfortunately, the popular music of the day is the rallying cry for rebellious teenagers. If you try to deny it altogether to a strong-willed kid, you just might flip his canoe upside down. You have to ask yourself this question, "Is it worth risking everything of value to enforce a particular standard upon this son or daughter?" If the issue is important enough to defend at all costs, then brace yourself and make your stand. But think through your defense of them thoroughly.
The philosophy we applied with our teenagers (and you might try with yours) can be called "loosen and tighten." By this I mean we tried to loosen our grip on everything that had no lasting significance, and tighten down on everything that did. We said yes whenever we possibly could, to give support to the occasional no. And most important, we tried never to get too far away from our kids emotionally. It is simply not prudent to write off a son or daughter, no matter how foolish, irritating, selfish or insane a child may seem to be. You need to be there, not only while his canoe is bouncing precariously, but after the river runs smooth again.
You have the remainder of your life to reconstruct the relationship that is now in jeopardy. Don't let anger fester for too long. Make the first move toward reconciliation. And try hard not to hassle your kids. They hate to be nagged. If you follow them around with one complaint after another, they're almost forced to protect themselves by appearing deaf. And finally, continue to treat them with respect, even when punishment or restrictions are necessary. Occasionally, you may even need to say, "I'm sorry!"
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